New Feature: Ask Dr Del

By Delporte

Columnist

The columnist will answer questions that members of TVM have with regards to their social or provincial lifes. Readers, please send in your questions and you might just have your chance to see what Dr Del has in store for you

Disclaimer: Dr Del's advices do not necessary reflect the views of the paper. We have no judgement on STDs.

~About Delporte~

Dr Delporte is an aspiring doctor at the TreatMe Hospital in DelisGreenWithEnvy Province. He is on the board of several associations like Fungus and Me Anonymous, Itchy There HelpGroup etc. He is also the chairman of Use Your Brain in War Committee. Recently, he has also been conveyed an honorary doctorate in Weird Diseases from University of PeasantVille.

Q: Dear Del,
I used to be able to pick up all kinds of hot chicks when I would leave my castle and go out to the Tavern of nogarD, but since I started losing my hair due to many nights staying up with my wizzies, the radiation exposure from the runes has made my hair loss increase at an incredible rate! This leaves me feeling less confident with the lady folk and I cant even talk to the women anymore... What can I do?

Signed,
Blake

A:Dear Blake,
What you are suffering from is not rune radiation but an extra amount of testosterone. This hormone is what makes all men sexually verile, and able to keep our soldier at attention! What I reccomend is dont feel bad. In fact be confident because the chicks in the village will dig it! Just remember the more hair you lose... will just equal out to the more HEAD you will get!

Signed
Dr Delporte

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Q:Dear Del,

I have heard several rumors concerning a kingdommate, his pet monkey, and a banana. There have been several circumstances which lend these "rumors" to a certain level of believability, if not absolute truth. Anyway, my question to you is, can humans and monkeys give each other sexually transmitted diseases? And if so, are genital warts one such transmittable disease? Furthermore, is it true that bananas, when lubricated and used properly, can decrease anal swelling? That's all I really want to know, as I am concerned for my kingdommate's health and well-being. Thanks.

Signed,
The Faery Lord

A: Dear Faery Lord,

Yes humans can get sexually transmitted diseases, including Genital warts. Especially if they are transmitted anally. Now how long have you... I mean how long has your "Friend" been seeing this monkey? Second of all is the monkey the real object of desire or is it the banana? Is the monkey in direct contact with your "Friend" or does he pleasure himself first with the banana then uses it on his victims? Because if he is pleasuring you, I mean pleasuring your friend with the banana after he has pleasured him self with the banana then you wouldnt have to worry about the genital warts but unfortunately you or your "Friend" as you put it will be subjected to whats called ANAL warts, and I am sure that would be most unpleasant. Also if your said friend is a Faery, Anal warts when spread works very similar to leperacy, only the genatialia will fall off first. One thing about this rare form of ANAL warts that does worry me is that all the victims who have it often refer to themselves as their friend or pass it off on someone else, this is the denial stage. If I were you I would seek immediate medical attention and be sure to bring the monkey because we dont want this spreading through TVM kingdom. Afterall he may be your very own "Little Outbreak Monkey"

Signed,

Dr Delporte

Veritas Times Down! Peasant's uproar!

By CarCar
Editor

Grunts were heard all over Templus Veritas Mundi region yesterday. The paper's customer service hotline were swamped with angry readers demanding to know why the paper wasnt circulating yesterday.

Many peasants were surprised the newspaper wasnt available. Many coffee joints reported losses as readers made up the hugh percentage of coffee drinkers. " I cannot read my coffee without Veritas Times. It is my morning carbo," said one angry reader.

Many "hate" sites had also surfaced on the internet. " I hate that editor! She was supposed to keep the paper running smoothly. She must have been primping her hair or something. Now what am i gonna do for entertainment?" quoted from www.ihateveritastimes.com .

The police department had also increased the number of window bashings around downtown TVM. According to spyware sources, the lack of newspaper and caffeine drove a lot of folks "spastic".

Dragon, the papers' columnist was heard saying, " My porn is gone now. I did not do any back up on my computer. Now who can i blame?"

Editor CarCar and the rest of drunk VT staff who spent the day drinking nogard ales, would like to apologize to everyone, " The computers stopped functioning yesterday night due to the attack of ilovemehul.virus . It is an unfortunate incident and i hope it will be an individual case."

Dragon Speaks, You Listen. Now Sit!

By Dragon
Columinst
From The Desk At Dragon's Hove

At Veritas Times, we all like to sit back relax but when need be, tell the news. This is Dragon reporting out of Veritas Times with this hard hitting story.

nogarD Enterprises, sponsor, donator and all out Sponsor of Templum Veritas Mundi and the events and Taverns this kingdom conducts. As the kingdom has grown and branching out, nogarD has been there to bring refreshments and entertainment on all levels.

Every age, nogarD installs a free tavern that provides free drinks and entertainment to all those in this kingdom. When the kingdom has branched out, into externals, other forums, nogarD Taverns have been there to provide those times. With theatres, presentations and laughter.

Today at Veritas Times, we are proud to announce, that nogarD Enterprises will be a key sponsor in our journalism. They will help get access to key stories, free drinks and make sure our journalists are completely smashed before they leave to go get those stories.

CEO and Presedent Dragon had this to day "Well its another proud day for nogarD, where we can only say that were honored that Veritas Times has allowed us to move in as a Key sponsor. We sponsor a lot of events proudly and that won't change in a long time."

Major stock holder Caelis AKA Kitten had this to say "As long as the Ale keeps flowing, then I don't care! Hell, since I bought out 49% of the stock, that damned Dragon has 51%... JERK! But I gets a lot of money... I WIPE MY ASS WITH THOUSANDS NOT HUNDREDS NOW!!! ITS AWESOME!!!"

We also got this exclusive comment from Carina, Dragons "heart". "Yeah ,its nice, you know. Millions of dollars :D but can that clean the house? No! WEll I don't clean the house, thats what the cleaners do. But still! Sure I got my diamonds, mansion, bathroom tub full of pearls and jewels, but in the end it breaks down to just me and my Dragon -dreamy eyes-.

Thats all from Veritas Times, this is Dragon reporting.
(Veritas Times has this to note: nogarD CEO and Presdent takes his time out of a busy schedule to write for us. Wow aren't we special :P;))

~Unedited~

Editor's Note: Everyone at Veritas Times will begin to feel special if you actually start bringing the ales into the press room. We would not tell the boss.

ULF Fights With Music!

By CarCar
Editor
Reporting From 2Green2BeElvandar Province

The Underground Liberation Front (ULF) has been gaining momentum in the past few months. Their recent victory? Over several weeks, the peasants all over the area of 2Green2BeElvandar province have been voting illegally for the Annual Music Fest nominees when dictator, Caelis The Green, goes to sleep every night.

According to 2Green2BeElvandar rules, anyone caught listening to music would have their house seized and be downgraded to the Slave Caste. Repeat offenders could also be prosecuted in the court of the Dictator and be sentenced up to 3 years in the dungeons.

According to an unreliable source, " This is an amazing feat for all folks. Caelis The Green's forces have been dispatched for war with Celestrial Dragon (7:6) for the past few weeks. Dictatorship enforcement officers have been lacking all over the province. This might signify the impending end of a long suffering for the folks."

Winners of The Annual Music Fest as follows:
Best Video: Locked In The Dungeons by POWs
Best Rap: Where Did All My Moo Moo go? by Farm Chicks
Most Violent Video: Kill Em' by The Mercs
Best Country Record: Back To The Mills by Rob Builder
Record Of The Year: War Win 1,2,3 By TVM All Stars

Coke Cookies Starts Off With A High

By CarCar
Editor

The day started off on a high note for Coke Cookies, a new product from Kitten Food Industries. Many retail food stores witnessed lines outside their shops even before their opening times. " I skipped school today. Those Coke Cookies are so delicious. It gives me a buzz and makes me feel happy all day. I have to get my hands on them," said Peasant Hobo, a 17 yr old senior from Trailer Park High School. Sales reports from several shops, including supermarket giant Walnut, had shown outstanding sales figures.

Kitten Food industries website, www.kitten.com, experienced a large volume of traffic flow past several weeks. Coke Cookies Fanatics have nothing but rave reviews for the munchies.


Coke Muncher, Steve TooDrugged and his love affair with Coke Cookies.

According to Coke Muncher, Steve TooDrugged who won the " Who Loves Coke Cookies Contest", he wrote, " I love the cookies! Cookies! More cookies!I cant live without them!" to be chosen as the winning entry with the picture above. More than 1 million peasants took part but only one walked away with a 1 year free supply of Coke Cookies.

President of Kitten Food Industries, Sir Caelis, had predicted the success so it didn't came as a surprise to him." We have been putting in huge marketing effort before the official launch date. Our sales teams have been going around the alley bars and lanes giving out free samples. We figured, someone has to cut out the middle men and go straight to the masses. We are keeping the kids out of alley ways and making them happy all day. I say we are doing a great job."

Daily Weather Update: GreenForPresident Province

By Hexmaster
Weather Correspondent
Reporting directly from GreenForPresident Province.


Tornado "Poking Stick" destroying farm lands.


The province of GreenForPresident's damages caused by the recent meteors and tornadoes were in fact so severe that hundreds of structures had to be razed to the ground and reconstructed as libraries so that its people, mostly the wizards, can read more books and learn about protecting the lands from such devastating deeds in the future.In the midst of the devastation, one happy news brought a little hope to the peasants; the broken Reflect Magic spell should be back from its repair in a few days.